Obstacles

It’s been a few weeks since my last post and I was so desperately hoping to have begun to see real light at the end of the tunnel. Sadly, I feel like I am no further along the journey to moving onwards and beginning again than I was at the beginning of the year and the strain is beginning to tell. I am beginning to crack again and it’s scary and (mostly) lonely place to be.

This year started with so much promise. New ears establishing themselves, eyes making amazing progress and calm restored at home (well as much calm as a household with 2 young boys can be). I was making plans to try some new adventures and I was finally beginning to love the new me and feeling like the journey was worth all the pain. We introduced Family Sundays and we finding joy in spending time together as a family, making discoveries about the world and ourselves and making important, fun memories.

Then came the realisation – the crushing blows, that it seems, despite all our efforts, the boy is not wanted – anywhere. We’re still homeschooling – this has been an utter delight in many ways – to see a child who was so closed in, so lacking in belief in his abilities and thinking school and work was his mortal enemy actually blossoming before my eyes and able to access work that is well within is capability and now he knows it is. To watch the pride he takes when he he gets it right and to see the desire to do it. However, the downside and reality for us is we can’t do it much longer. We both work, long hours mostly. Luckily we have managed, with a lot of help from my amazing mother in law – but it’s a strain. We’re both exhausted. Neither of us have had a ‘day off’ in months, the house is a mess, we both take ‘breaks’ (but not together – my amazing husband holds the fought whilst I sing my cares away) but it’s hard…hard because we can’t move on. Hard because we feel like so few people see J for who is really is.

Lately I’ve really been struggling see other parents with their children. I want to enjoy being a mum and be so super proud of my kids, but overtime I get close to that, something gets in the way. Another obstacle appears and it’s so draining. I want to shout from the rooftops how proud I am of my boys. The eldest has overcome such negativity and difficulties in his schooling and still manages to be pretty awesome much of the time (pretty annoying and infuriating the rest of it – but that’s a 9 year old right?). My youngest is amazing. He’s seen many, many tears, arguments, rages etc that have accompanied this journey we’ve been on and still he instinctively knows when to come and give a big hug and snuggle. He’s a pretty awesome little singer and dancer and turns out he’s pretty smart too, just like his big brother. Except I find it really hard to say any of these things out loud, mostly because I’m worried I’ll be struck down by the luck gods and mostly because it’s been beaten out of my by the system. I work with kids day in and day out. Pretty awesome kids. Some have their challenges in life and some seem to sail through unscathed (though who really knows what’s going on). However, they all seem to have great support networks and their parents do too. Not just from their families, but from their school communities too. They have more awesome people around them who help them all through life ups and downs and give them support when they need it. How come then, I am left wondering, am I in this situation where I seem to give out a lot of that support (so I’ve been told recently by some very lovely parents) but when I’m needing it as a mum – it’s not there…well not in the school environment anyway. Oh, we have had had some amazing support – especially from my rock that is Charlotte and Fit 2 Learn but given what a simple approach the whole cognitive development really is once you read about it (or watch Charlotte’s Ted Talk) it really shouldn’t be this hard.

Today we found ourselves in yet another meeting with another school, trying to justify why they should take our son. As if he’s some massive problem child and we are deluding ourselves and not admitting to ourselves that our child is a lost cause. Yes, that is exactly how I feel right now. My son is being given up on at every turn, by people who meet hime for maybe 5 or 10 minutes. This teacher at todays meeting as exchanged a greeting with my boy. One 2 minute exchange in which he shook hands and said hello. From that exchange (in January I might add) this teacher had decided there was something amiss and not normal (yes those words again). My justification – this is a child who has essentially been totally let down by his journey in school so far – no wonder he’s terrified. And it’s all very well them being scared of getting it wrong – how do they think we feel? But most of all – how do they think my son – my 9 year old child feels? It’s wrong that the system is so weighted in favour of some and yet others disappear through the cracks in the system. And to get this straight – I am in no way blaming those who are on the front line of the system…..but what are we going to do with 9 years of school education left for child who is bright and able but who is being turned away from everywhere?  If I could find a way to be financially secure and continue to homeschool (both of them) then this I feel would be the best way forward – I just don’t know how and I need an answer quickly!

I am just not prepared to give up the fight for my boy, even with all these obstacles appearing at every turn….I just hope today’s was the last one for a while…I’m tired.